Legally reviewed on 11 October 2026
By Javier Sanz, lawyer, ICALI 8620
The “cycle of abuse” is a model used to describe how tension, an abusive incident and a period of reconciliation or calm can repeat within a relationship. It can help some people make sense of confusing behaviour, but it is not a legal test and not every abusive relationship follows a predictable sequence.
Violence may be constant, occasional or escalate suddenly. A person does not have to identify every phase before seeking help, and a court will decide an individual case from evidence rather than from whether it fits this model.
The tension-building phase
During this phase, the abusive partner’s criticism, jealousy, surveillance or demands may increase. The other person may feel they have to monitor every word or action to prevent an outburst. This is sometimes described as “walking on eggshells”.
Possible signs include repeated accusations, humiliation, financial restrictions, checking a phone, isolating the person from friends or threatening consequences if they leave. The victim may change routines or give up activities to keep the peace. Responsibility nevertheless remains with the person choosing the abusive conduct.
The abusive incident
The incident may involve physical violence, sexual conduct without freely given consent, threats, property damage, coercion or severe psychological abuse. It may be a single act or a series of events. Some conduct leaves no visible injury but may still be criminal and create an urgent risk.
In immediate danger in Spain, call 112. If it is safe to do so, seek medical care and give healthcare professionals an accurate account of symptoms and their cause. Preserve existing messages, photographs and documents, but do not put yourself at risk to collect evidence.
Reconciliation, apology or promises of change
After an incident, the abusive person may apologise, promise treatment, give gifts or attribute the conduct to alcohol, stress or jealousy. The victim may hope that the violence has ended, particularly where there are children, shared housing, finances or immigration concerns.
An apology can be emotionally powerful, but it does not by itself reduce risk. Real change requires sustained accountability and professional intervention where appropriate. Pressure on the victim to forgive quickly or keep the incident secret is a warning sign, not evidence that the problem is resolved.
The calm period
There may then be a period in which the relationship feels stable. The absence of a new incident can make earlier behaviour seem less serious or cause the victim and others to doubt what happened. Over time, tension may return and the pattern may become more frequent or severe.
Some abusive relationships have no calm phase. Others involve stalking or harassment after separation rather than reconciliation. The model should therefore be used as a prompt for reflection, never as a checklist that excludes someone’s experience.
Why can leaving be difficult?
A person may face genuine barriers: fear of retaliation, concern for children or pets, lack of money, housing insecurity, disability, social isolation, language needs or uncertainty about residence rights. Separation can also be a period of heightened risk where a controlling partner feels control is being lost.
Comments such as “why didn’t you just leave?” overlook those constraints and can deepen isolation. A more helpful response is to listen, believe the person’s account without taking over their decisions, ask what feels safe and offer practical support. Our guide explains how to support someone experiencing gender-based violence.
Creating a safety plan
A safety plan should be individual. Depending on circumstances, it may cover a safe contact, emergency accommodation, transport, medication, copies of key documents, children’s needs and a secure way to communicate. Digital safety matters: review account access, shared cloud services and location settings from a safe device where possible.
Do not announce a plan to leave if doing so would increase danger. Specialist services can help assess risk. The 016 service offers information and immediate psychosocial support by phone, WhatsApp at 600 000 016, email and online chat. Call 112 for an emergency.
Legal options in Spain
A victim can obtain legal advice before reporting and may request protective measures. Our guide to reporting gender-based violence in Spain explains the main steps. Our page for women experiencing gender-based violence sets out the specialist legal service available.
If you need confidential advice about protection, evidence or proceedings, contact Javier Sanz. Advice can be adapted to your language needs, children and any existing court order.
Official sources
- Organic Law 1/2004 on gender-based violence (BOE)
- Law 4/2015, Statute of the Victim of Crime (BOE)
- Official 016 information and support service
This article is general information and does not replace an individual safety assessment or legal advice.